Escape to Melrose View: MINT Express's Johannesburg Jewel
Escape to Melrose View: My Johannesburg Adventure (and Maybe a Few Cocktails Too) – A Chaotic Review
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because I just got back from Escape to Melrose View: MINT Express's Johannesburg Jewel, and let me tell you, it was… an experience. Forget the perfectly polished hotel brochures; this is the real, slightly-burnt-toast truth. This isn't a sterile, cookie-cutter review; it's a messy, honest, and hopefully hilarious account of my stay. Prepare for rambles, opinions, and maybe a tiny bit of spilled wine.
First Impressions and Accessibility: The Elevator Saga (and My Near-Death Experience)
Right, let's dive in. The name, "Escape to Melrose View," promised tranquility, maybe a sunset view. I was picturing myself sipping something fruity, gazing out over… well, whatever a Johannesburg view offers. The reality? The "escape" part was a bit more literal than I’d anticipated, especially during my elevator adventure.
Let’s talk about Accessibility. They do advertise facilities for disabled guests, which is a huge plus. Found the elevator! …Until it decided to take a sudden, stomach-churning dip reminiscent of a poorly maintained rollercoaster. I may or may not have screamed. A few expletives may have also escaped my lips. Thankfully, I survived, and the staff was super apologetic (more on that later). Regarding wheelchair accessibility, I did notice ramps and what appeared to be accessible routes, but I can't personally vouch for their seamlessness. It's always best to contact the hotel directly if this is a major factor!
Checking-in and The Pre-Cocktail Panic:
My Check-in/out [express] experience was… well, I wouldn't call it "express." It was more like "patiently waiting" while the front desk struggled to find my reservation. Eventually, success! (And maybe a future for me as a marathon runner?) After this delay, I was desperate to hit up the Bar and grab a drink. And thank GOD they have a Poolside Bar too!
Rooms: A Mix of Class and… Questionable Decisions.
My room, bless its heart, was mostly charming. The Air conditioning worked like a dream (thank god for that in Johannesburg heat!), and the blackout curtains were perfect for sleeping off jet lag (thank the heavens!). I even had Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! which, being a digital nomad and all, was crucial. Free bottled water? Sold. The mini-bar? Tempting. The in-room safe box? A necessity for my passport and important stuff. Daily housekeeping kept things relatively tidy, tho I found some questionable stains on an armchair (but I won't go into detail there).
The Bathroom Blues (and the Soap Situation)
The private bathroom was… adequate. The separate shower/bathtub was a nice touch, but the water pressure was a bit… anemic. The toiletries? Well, let's just say the generic brand soap left much to be desired. I may have had to make an emergency run to the convenience store they have just to buy decent soap.
The Food Frenzy: From Asian Breakfast to (Possibly) Questionable Buffet Fare.
Let's get real: I live to eat. So, the Dining, drinking, and snacking situation was key. The Asian breakfast was a nice change of pace – some delicious noodles and a very spicy chili sauce, so I knew I was in Johannesburg (a first for me). The Breakfast [buffet] was… a buffet. I mean, it had your usual suspects, Western breakfast staples. I’m a big breakfast person and was a little disappointed, if I’m being honest. I'm a sucker for a good, crispy bacon and that was missing. They had Coffee/tea in restaurant, thank goodness! They also have the option for Alternative meal arrangement if the buffet isn’t your thing! The Restaurants offer A la carte in restaurant items if you prefer to order. I'm so glad they have Vegetarian restaurant options as well! Also, the fact they have a Snack bar on site is just great!
The Spa & Relaxation Revelations: A Personal Journey of Bliss and… Doubt.
Okay, THIS is where things got interesting. I’m a huge spa person. So, I went all in: Spa/sauna, Massage, Body scrub, Body wrap, Foot bath. Did I emerge a new woman? Possibly. Did I also question the intensity of the “therapeutic” massage? Maybe. The Swimming pool [outdoor] looked inviting, and the Pool with view definitely lived up to expectations. I didn't quite make it to the Steamroom, this time around, and the Sauna wasn’t my jam. They advertise a Gym/fitness center, but I was too busy indulging in the delicious food to hit it.
Cleanliness and Safety: Sanitization and… More Sanitization!
Look, everyone has been hyper-aware of cleanliness lately, and Escape to Melrose View took it seriously. They had Anti-viral cleaning products, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Daily disinfection in common areas, and Rooms sanitized between stays. They have Hand sanitizer everywhere you look, and the staff was masked up. They also have Safe dining setup and Sanitized kitchen and tableware items. It made me feel pretty safe, even if my germaphobe tendencies still kicked in from time to time.
Things to Do, or More Accurately, Things I Did:
Besides stuffing my face, I mostly just relaxed. Johannesburg is a city with a LOT happening, but I mostly preferred to enjoy the hotel's amenities. But I did love the Terrace!
The Quirks and Imperfections:
This is where things got real.
- The Elevator Terror: I already mentioned the elevator experience. Traumatic.
- The "Luxury" Slippers: They promised luxury. They provided…paper-thin slippers. Not quite the spa-like experience.
- The Loud Neighbors: The soundproofing in my room wasn’t the best. I heard my neighbors… enjoying themselves. A lot.
- Staff Training (Sometimes): Some staff members were absolutely lovely, others seemed… less informed about hotel protocol.
The Verdict: Worth the Chaos?
Would I recommend Escape to Melrose View? It's complicated. Accessibility is on the right track, the Wi-Fi and Internet access were dependable, Food and dining offerings were pretty solid, and the spa was… an Experience. Yes, it had its quirks, its moments of… well, let's call it "rustic charm." The service was friendly, if sometimes a little chaotic. Free parking and the fact they have Car park [on-site] is awesome.
But, at the end of the day, would I go back? Honestly? Probably. The price was right. The location was convenient. And hey, it's hard to stay mad when the breakfast buffet has waffles. Maybe I’ll even give that elevator another shot…wish me luck!
- Overall: It definitely gets a thumbs up from me, but with a side of "brace yourself for adventure."
- Would I stay again: Yes, with realistic expectations and a strong tolerance for elevator-related anxiety.
Alright, buckle up, Buttercups! This ain't your grandma's perfectly-manicured travel itinerary. We're diving HEADFIRST into a Johannesburg adventure, specifically aimed at the MINT Express Melrose View! And trust me, it might get a little… chaotic. Let's go!
MINT Express Melrose View - Johannesburg: A Messy, Glorious Adventure
Day 1: Arrival & That First, Overwhelming Dose of Johannesburg
- 8:00 AM (ish) - Landing at OR Tambo & the Great Luggage Tango: Okay, so "8:00 AM" is ambitious. Let's be real, after a transatlantic flight, I'm basically a zombie. Expect blurry vision, a desperate need for caffeine, and the existential dread of losing my luggage. Seriously, I've packed like I'm preparing for the end of days. Will the bag arrive? The fate of my sanity (and favourite socks) hinges on it. Pray for me, people.
- 9:30 AM - The Shuttle Shuffle: Assuming I escape the baggage carousel abyss, it's onto the airport shuttle. The first real immersion into the Johannesburg vibe. I have a feeling this is where the adventure REALLY starts, and that I WILL not be able to communicate too efficiently.
- 11:00 AM - MINT Express Check-In & the "Is This Place Real?" Moment: Finally! Arrival at the MINT Express Melrose View. Am I walking into a stylish hipster haven, or a quirky little paradise? I'm hoping for the latter, but the anticipation is killer. Let's hope the room matches the pictures. God I hope there isn't a cockroach, I'll scream!
- 12:00 PM - Lunch at a Suggested Eatery - "Where am I supposed to GO?" I've been told to go to a restaurant. The concierge told me to go to a particular restaurant. I have no idea where it is. Getting my bearings, figuring out transportation, this whole "new city" thing is EXHAUSTING. I'll try to power through and actually eat some sustenance - pray for me that I find it.
- 2:00 PM - Melrose Arch Exploration - Pretty Buildings and Pricey Sandwiches? The Melrose Arch is supposed to be all fancy and pretty. I'll wander around. I'll probably feel very under-dressed. I'll also try not to buy anything too expensive.
- 6:00 PM - Dinner & Deep Breath: Reflection Time: I've been warned about the crime in Johannesburg. I will be wary. Hopefully, I'm still alive and haven't tripped over a pothole. Time for dinner, a glass of local wine, and some serious reflection. Honestly, the jet lag is already kicking in.
Day 2: Exploring the City with a Mix of Fear and Awe
8:00 AM - The Morning Routine & My Existential Coffee Crisis: Coffee first. Always. This is mandatory. I'm already starting to see myself in the mirror and look as though I aged approximately 20 years in the past 24 hours.
9:00 AM - The Apartheid Museum – A Necessary Gut Punch: Okay, this is going to be intense. This museum is a must, but I'm not going to lie, I'm dreading it. It's going to be emotionally draining, and I know I'll need time afterward to process. A good cry, perhaps? Definitely.
12:00 PM - Lunch Break! My Stomach is Growling! - Hopefully Not in a Dangerous Place. I will then hopefully find food. I won't. I will be lost and probably will eat bread.
1:30 PM - Soweto - The Heartbeat of a Nation: Okay, I'm going to be honest. Soweto is intimidating, and I'm not afraid to admit it. But it is also a place steeped in history and resilience, I HAVE to go.
4:30 PM - Back to MINT Express - Emotional Overload, and a Gin & Tonic Required: I'll be back at the MINT Express, feeling completely drained. Time for a hot shower, and seriously, is there enough gin in the world?
7:00 PM - Dinner, Alone. - Time to process: I'll have to eat alone, the restaurant scene is too packed. I'll be reflecting, thinking, and getting real with myself. I'm glad it's a solo trip. Day 3: Braais, Beers, and the Joys of Doing Absolutely Nothing
9:00 AM - Sleep! Or Try to! The alarm is optional. This is a day for rest.
10:00 AM - Breakfast: Hopefully I'll find some breakfast. Or at least a snack.
12:00 PM - Braai Time! - Or at least the attempt: I'm going to see if it is possible to get a Braai (barbecue) and get some great people going.
3:00 PM - Local Brewery Crawl (or at least, a pub): Time to sample some local brews. I like beer. That's the main goal.
6:00 PM - Unwind & Plan for Tomorrow - Do I have any brain cells left? Will probably just collapse. And then tomorrow, I'll face it.
7:00 PM - Dinner: I have no idea.
8:00 PM - Sleep: A good night's sleep, finally.
Day 4: Leaving, But A Bit Warmer
- 9:00 AM - Final Breakfast - Last Chance for Eggs? It's already too late for eggs.
- 10:00 AM - Pack - The Great Packing Challenge: Pack the luggage. I might have bought too many things.
- 11:00 AM - Last-Minute Souvenir Hunt: I have to go somewhere.
- 12:00 PM - Departure - Saying Goodbye (And, Maybe, A Little "Thank God")
- 1:00 PM - Flight: Flight home. Hope I made it!
This is life in Johannesburg, and that's all that I can hope for. I'll be back.
Uncover Blackpool's Hidden Gem: The Address You NEED!
Escape to Melrose View: MINT Express - Johannesburg Jewel (FAQ - Because Let's Be Real, We ALL Have Questions)
Okay, spill the tea. Is Melrose View *really* as gorgeous as the pictures? Because, Instagram lies, you know?
Alright, listen. The pictures? They're good. Really good. But the real deal? It’s... well, it’s *mostly* gorgeous. Think manicured lawns and that beautiful, slightly pretentious, Johannesburg sun. But here's the thing, and this is important: my *actual* first impression was the parking situation. Let me tell you, I’m normally a pro at parking (honed skills over years of surviving Joburg traffic), but that initial angle had me sweating. I'm sure I made a few "aggressive" moves and side-eyed the other cars. So, the beauty is there. It takes a little navigating to get to (figuratively and sometimes literally!). Oh, and be prepared for an occasional rogue leaf blower interrupting your zen. It's South Africa, darlings, not a perfectly curated movie set, though it tries!
The website boasts about the 'gourmet' breakfast. Is this just hotel PR fluff or is it actually worth getting out of bed for? (And, let's be honest, the answer better include bacon...)
Okay, bacon is essential. Fact. And the good news? The breakfast at Melrose View? It’s… pretty darn good. But let me rewind a bit. The *first* morning, I was a MESS. Needed caffeine, badly. Walked in slightly disheveled (probably still had toothpaste on my face, who knows?). And the spread… oh man. They absolutely *slay* with the fresh fruit. I piled my plate, got a coffee that, thankfully, wasn't instant, poured some of that good, South African orange juice. And *then* the bacon. Crispy. Perfect. Not too fatty, not too burnt. (Important detail: the bacon situation is critical!) So, yes, it’s worth getting out of bed for. However, I'm not gonna lie, I had a moment of weakness and also ate a suspiciously large amount of pastries while trying to hide from a work phone call. So, yeah. Worth it. Even if I looked like I’d been in a food fight.
What’s the deal with the "Express" part of MINT Express? Does that mean I'm gonna be rushed or is it just a catchy name? Because rushing is my *least* favorite thing.
Okay, the "Express" part… I was a little worried too. I envisioned a conveyor belt of short stays, and a general feeling of “hurry up and leave”. Thankfully, that's not the case. It’s more of a suggestion, I think. The whole point is that it offers a curated experience, with all the essentials in place so you can get straight to the good stuff. But they don't rush *you*. I mean, if you want to chill by the pool all day, reading your book, you can. I did. One day I was a total lump, ordering room service and watching bad TV (which is, in my opinion, the perfect South African experience). The staff are friendly, not pushy, which is a massive win. So, chill. Embrace the unhurried vibe. You’re in Joburg, not a Formula 1 pit stop.
Are the rooms actually soundproof? Because hotel walls are notoriously thin, and I'm a light sleeper. I need my beauty sleep. (And I secretly judge people who snore.)
Alright, the soundproofing… is… *decent*. Let's be honest here, okay? It's not a recording studio. You can't expect that. My room was pretty quiet. I'm usually a light sleeper, but I’ve had worse experiences. The real test? Neighbourly noises. The first night, I *did* hear the faintest sounds of… I *think* a couple having, shall we say, a *spirited* conversation. (And a bit of snorting from a neighbor--maybe I need to apologize now!). But honestly? It was very muffled and didn't keep me awake for long. The aircon helps a lot with the white noise effect. So, bring earplugs if you're *really* sensitive, but I think you'll be fine. Plus, let's be honest... a little bit of hotel life drama is kind of entertaining, right?
Is the location actually convenient? Getting around Joburg can be… an adventure. Is it safe? Do I need a bodyguard? (Asking for a friend… who is me.)
Right. The location. Melrose Arch is a *safe* area, which makes a massive difference. Seriously. I'm still a bit jumpy in certain parts of Joburg, so if you are too, this is great. And Melrose Arch itself? It's a bit sterile, to be honest. Almost... artificial. But it's clean, well-lit, and you can wander around without feeling like you're going to be mugged. It's close to some decent restaurants (I loved the Italian place!), and you can walk to shops. Getting around, though? Ugh, Joburg traffic. It's a beast. Uber is your friend. Or Bolt, or whoever is cheapest that day. Don't even *think* about driving yourself. The traffic will age you by a decade. And safety-wise, stick to designated routes, and don’t flash your bling. You'll be fine. And no, you don't need a bodyguard. Unless you want one. I wouldn’t mind a hot bodyguard. Just saying.
Pool time! Is the pool area as relaxing as it looks in photos? And is there a good selection of cocktails? Because a girl (or guy) needs a cocktail!
The pool. Oh, the pool. Yes, it is *mostly* as relaxing as it looks. Picture this: a perfectly azure pool, the Johannesburg sun warming your skin, a good book in hand… bliss! But, and there's always a "but," isn't there? One day I arrived, ready to zen out by the pool, only to find a gaggle of very loud, very excited kids doing the full splash, and playing tag. That was not my scene. I hid in my room and ordered a burger. I tried again later when they'd gone, and it was a dream. So, yes, potentially relaxing, but be prepared for the occasional wave of noise. Now, the cocktails? Yes. They do a decent Mojito. Not the best I've ever had, but certainly worth the effort. Plus, the pool bar is staffed by exceptionally friendly people who will happily chat to you. So, the cocktails are a solid yes. Just maybe check for kids before you commit to ultimate relaxation.
The reviews mention "impeccable service." Is this true? Do they really go above and beyond? Because 'impeccable' is a big claim.
